he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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