you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
