Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
