New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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