just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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