I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
My cat gives me a boner
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?