i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
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My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
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Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.