All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
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she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
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Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son