I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
