Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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