i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Randomize
