I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
