I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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