found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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