The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
