saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
