Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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