just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
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