between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
