laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
