I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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