so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
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he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
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It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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