Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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