You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Randomize
