he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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