So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
