He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
