theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
