one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
