There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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