So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
