Can i not drive my cunt home
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
