I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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