I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
