last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
