What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.