Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕