I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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