so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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