lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
