He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
