You smell like a Billy Joel song
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize