turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm just crazy horny about you
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
