Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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