Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
