He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
