i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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