My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
