Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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