so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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