Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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