I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
