My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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