Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize