OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
