So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
