Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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