I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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