I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
