I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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