Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
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Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
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At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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