I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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