You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
