Non-Jews are for practice
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
