do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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