How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
