i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
