i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
