I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
