I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Randomize
