She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
